Sunday, July 7, 2013

Why do say to me that I don't let people like me?

There is something about me and/or my life that make people hate me, including family members.  What is it so I can change it asap?  Is it that I am a humbug?  Because being hated by family, so called friends to strangers at times and at times not or else permanently or temporarily makes me want to kill myself.  My pets in life have been the only ones who have given me respite from that predicament.  If you tell me some of the ways that I act as to why people hate me besides wearing ratty clothes (the which I don't always do), then it will save me a lot of time in figuring it out with a therapist. 

You say that you have known me for forty years and that I have been the same for forty years.  Have I not changed any at all?  Is it that I am focused on my problems too much always bringing them up, as in "me me me?"  ME used to say that I am a hard person to get to know, but that once you get to know me: I am a pretty good person. 

Is it just that there are a lot of hateful people in the world and I can honestly say that I don't hate anyone except myself because I feel or am acted towards with hatred by people I meet on all sides from NYC to ME, all my life?  Ask BU., NP, BW and JV why they hate me or acted as if they hated me when I was around them until I had to get away from them for what you said in a hateful remark to me over and over about what I told you was their actions and words towards me: "it's all in your head."  Why did you say "it's all in your head" to me over and over for years and years?  Was it due to my diagnosis? 

Why did JB ask me when I last got my shot and practically shout at me to tell him when up there last remembering how he shouted at me to take that med for which I have won a settlement due to its side effects on me while taking it at the same time as being shouted at to take it so the doctor came to the apartment and took it out of my cupboard because he saw the blood test results of another potential sodium seizure within two years of the first sodium seizure because of the side effects? 

Will you be asking for another date and time of when I am going to be killing myself over a Christmas and New Year's eating hotdogs and nachos at 7-11? 

Why have the cops been called on me 34 times in 15 years of living here?  Are they either trying ardently to incarcerate me or have an excuse to kill me?  Why did one of the coffee shop baristas at the coffee shop that I have been going to for 14 years call the police on me on the day of the Boston Marathon for drinking a soda pop from a paper bag sitting on a next door business' back door stoop?

I imagine that the axiom that "people are always going to hate" is especially true for me in my experience.  People come out of nowhere and act hateful towards me for no reason and all the time forever for forty years of my life or at least when I moved from overseas to NYC at ten years old and around the USA in later years.

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